


Spread My Wings And Learn To Fly

by EliseIeroWayToro



Series: My Forever Angel [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 12:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1429369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EliseIeroWayToro/pseuds/EliseIeroWayToro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things haven't exactly been easy for Gerard since he lost the love of his life, his soul mate. He's sunk down into a well of depression and, no matter how hard he tries, he cannot drag himself out of it.</p><p>With a life changing experience, Gerard decides so sober up and do something with his life, even if that means shying away from the comfortable and into the realm of the unknown.</p><p>Will Gerard be able to stay strong and stay sober even when a key figure from his past reemerges?</p><p>[same rules as last time I guess, bold italics is a dream italics is a flashback normal is narrative and bold is a technological conversation]</p><p>Please read Sweet Sleep My Dark Angel before hand as it holds the key to this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

My fingers shook as I held the gun to my head, hesitating before placing the barrel in my mouth, choked sobs filling my room as I prepared to squeeze the trigger, my heart shattering as I thought of my little brother.  
  
I squeezed my eyes closed and took a deep breath, closing my teeth around the gun, jumping when my bedroom door slammed open, Mikey screaming my name. I dropped the gun, tears streaming down his face as I saw how hurt he was, the tears staining his face, the worry etched in his brow.  
  
"Don't you fucking dare leave me." He sobbed as he kicked the gun out of my reach. "Don't you fucking dare Gerard."  
"I'm...I'm sorry Mikes, but.... I have to." I sobbed, refusing to meet his eye.  
"No you fucking don't. You don't have to leave me because you are stronger than this and you will keep fighting no matter how weak you think you are because I can't do it without you." Mikey ranted, stepping forwards as a sob broke free, shaking my shoulders as I dropped my head to my knees. "Don't scare me like that again Gee." Mikey begged as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, sinking to the floor with me.  
  
"I miss him Mikey. I really miss him." I sobbed, my eyes stinging as the salty tears poured from them. "Why? Why did he have to leave?" I cried, my head against Mikey's shoulder.  
"Because he did Gerard. It was best for him. Remember, Frank's in a better place now." Mikey soothed, his voice low as his head darted up, his eyes wide as he looked at my door. "Frank's safe now, he won't hurt anymore."  
"I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and now he's gone and I'm going to be all alone." I whispered, Mikey dragging me to my feet and standing me in front of the window.  
  
"Out there Gerard, there are hundreds of people, people you have yet to meet. There could be someone there that is like Frank, you never know. All you have to do is go out and find them. Yeah, they won't actually be Frank, and you would never want them to be, but you can still find someone and fall in love with them, create a new life. Frank will never leave you, but he won't hold you back." Mikey explained, his arm around my waist as he helped to keep me upright. "Now, I'm going to take this gun, and get the notes off of mom and dad's pillows. When I come back, we are going to put a movie on and we are going to chill out and eat junk food, okay?" I nodded, my eyes stinging as I wiped the back of my hand across them.  
  


* * *

I stood in front of the comic book's, my left foot tapping in time with the beat of my music, my headphones jammed so far in my ears they would have to be surgically removed. My eyes ran over the rack a final time before I sighed and stepped back, treading on someone's toes.  
  
I yanked out my headphones and turned around, ready to apologize, my jaw dropping when I saw who stood in front of me. "I'm... uh... I'm sorry." I muttered, my eyes on his hazel orbs, my heart thudding as he looked up at me and pulled out his own headphones.  
"Ah shit dude, it was probably my fault. New Deadpool comic." He smiled as he held up the comic in his hands.  
"My name's Gerard." I whispered as I held my hand out for him to shake.  
"Frank." He replied as he took my hand, shaking it firmly before waving goodbye and walking to the checkout, his eyes lingering on me before he left the shop.  
  
I slid to the floor, my breathing coming in rapid pants as Mikey ran towards me, panic on his face. "What's wrong?" He asked as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I struggled to form a sentence so I pointed at Frank's receding figure through the window. "It was him wasn't it?" Mikey muttered as he helped me to my feet. I nodded and grabbed his upper arm for support. "Let's get you home." Mikey sighed as he paid for his comic and said goodbye, dragging me to his car.  
"Thank you." I whispered.  
"For what?" Mikey asked, his eyebrow raised.  
"This. You knew didn't you?" I asked. Mikey hesitated before nodding.  
"Bill said Frank goes in there every Thursday, I thought seeing him would help, but I guess not." He shrugged as he started the engine and turned on the stereo, Morrissey blasting from the speakers.


	2. When will this hole in my heart be mended... [Gerard- time lapse= 3 years]

I sat at the bar, a beer clutched between my fingers, the music thumping in my chest. My eyes scanned the crowd for my baby brother, hoping he wasn't getting himself off in too much trouble, still unsure if he knew the real reason I chose this bar.  
  
See, there was a live band playing tonight, and I needed to see them, to see him. Since the day in the comic book store, just before I left for college, I haven't seen him, but my heart longed for him. Mikey tried to avoid mentioning what happened in the warehouse, but it would pop up occasionally and my heart would shatter all over again.  
  
Today though, this was the day I would finally see him, and hopefully realize that the hole in my heart had been fixed.  
  
I spotted Mikey through the crowd and raised my hand, wincing when I saw the look of pure anger on his face. “Why this bar?” He asked as he came to a stop in front of me. “Why tonight?”  
“Because I wanted to drink.” I replied, hoping that would fill his thirst for knowledge.  
“So it doesn’t have anything to do with the band playing here?” He asked, his eyes squinted.  
“Nope, why would it?” I asked, hoping my face wouldn’t give away the blatant lie.  
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you’re dead ex-boyfriend is fronting it?” He slurred, leaning on my arm for support.  
“Wow Mikes, thats low. One, he’s not dead and never was, two, you’ve had too much to drink and mom is going to kill me.” I answered as I sat him on the bar stool. “Now, stay here, I have to pee.” I muttered before walking off into the crowd.  
  
A figure stood in front of the mirror startled me, him to apparently as he jumped back when I stepped in, his hands dropping to his sides. When he turned, my heart stopped, my lungs freezing as I tried to breath in. “Sorry. I’ll, uh… come back later.” I stammered.  
“No, it’s cool. I was just going.” He replied.  
“Have I seen you before?” I asked, playing it cool.  
“I don’t think so…” He muttered, hesitation in his voice.  
“Comic books...Deadpool…If it helps, my name is Gerard.” I introduced, waiting patiently for the penny to drop.  
“Oh yeah! I remember. Sorry dude, I have been so out of it man. Time just flies by.” Frank laughed, reaching his hand out to shake mine.  
“Yeah dude, totally does man. Well, good luck out there.” I smiled as he backed out of the room, a grin crossing his face.  
  


* * *

Watching Frank on stage was like being in another world. He became someone else, someone energetic, full of life. His whole body filling with happiness, but his eyes still lacking that sparkle that he always had.  
  
His eyes would occasionally meet mine across the room and I would grin and pull a face, ignoring the strange looks Mikey would give me before he drank yet another shot or polished off yet another beer.  
  
Mikey’s hand reached out and grabbed my shoulder, his face a very pale shade of green. “You alright?” I asked as I placed my beer on the counter. He shook his head softly, clutching his stomach. “You gonna hurl?” I asked again. He hesitated before nodding, his eyes widening as his hand went to his mouth. I shook my head slightly and climbed to my feet. “Let’s get you to the bathroom.” I sighed and practically dragged him down the corridor, the music getting quieter as I lowered Mikey to the floor and rubbed circles on his back, pasty chunks spilling over his lips as he emptied his stomach.  
  
He stood up five minutes later, his hands on his stomach, his glasses wonky. “Thanks.” He croaked as he stood in front of the sink and ran his hands under the tap.  
“It’s cool. Lets get you home okay?” I asked, gaining a nod in reply.  
  
I leant Mikey against the cool metal of my car and opened the door, lowering him gently in before buckling his seatbelt and climbing in myself, keeping the door open when Frank motioned towards me. “Leaving so soon? I was hoping we could have a drink together.”  
“Sorry Frank, my brother’s sick, maybe another time?” I asked. He nodded and pulled a sharpie out of my pocket, pulling my arm towards him and scribbling a number on it.  
“Call me tomorrow, we can organise something.” He grinned before backing away enough for me to close the door and drive away.

* * *

  
With my dad’s help, I managed to get Mikey undressed and into bed, the covers pulled up to his chin and the curtains pulled all the way closed. Once we were sure he wasn’t going to throw up again, we left, sitting on the deck and smoking.  
  
It was a companionable silence, one that didn’t need to be broken, not by anyone, but as soon as my dad saw the number on my arm, his eyes lit up, a grin crossing his face.  
  
“Who’s the lucky guy?” He asked, clearly hoping I was finally moving on. “And what’s his name?”  
“Well, uh… you see, the thing is dad, his name’s Frank…” I started, unsure of what to say next.  
“Are you sure you want to do this?” My dad asked, clearly serious. I hesitated before nodding.  
“I just want to be friends if nothing else.” I whispered.  
“Okay, just be careful son, now, go and get some sleep. It’s your first full day back here tomorrow and we’ve got to move you back in.” He joked as he placed a kiss on my forehead. “The basement’s all yours again.”

* * *

With everyone else in bed, my thoughts were finally allowed to run free. Images of Frank ran through my mind, memories of the time we spent together. It hurt, remembering it all at once, but maybe it was for the best, maybe it would help me make a decision as to whether I was going to call him or not.  
  
I tugged the blankets over my shoulders and curled up in a ball, my breathing heavy as I rolled over, unsure or what to do. If I called him, I was preparing to open old wounds, but if I didn’t, I would never fully heal.  
  
“Tomorrow.” I whispered to myself as I shut my eyes and evened out my breathing.

* * *

A knock on the door startled me, the smell of coffee causing me to roll over and sit up, my head spinning at the sudden movement. “Ooohhh.” I groaned as I put my hand on my forehead, ignoring the strands of hair stuck to it.  
“Looks like you have a worse hangover than me.” Mikey mumbled as he placed the coffee on the table next to me.  
“Shhh.” I said as I reached for the mug and drank it down, scalding my tongue in the process.  
  
“So?” Mikey asked, his legs crossed as he sat at the end of my bed.  
“So what?” I replied, ignoring his looks as I stared into the bottom of my mug.  
“You got his number.” Mikey stated, brushing the fading, black numbers on my arm.  
“I never forgot it.” I whispered.  
“Are you gonna call him?”  
“Why does it bother you? Last night you were mad at me for picking that bar and now you want me to talk to him? Make up your bloody mind Mikes.” I snapped, wincing when he pulled open the curtains.  
“Because you’re gonna start moping again and that won’t be good.” He chuckled as he slid from my bed and helped me to my feet. “Now, lets get you put back in the basement, then we can talk.”  
  
At about 3pm, we gave up moving my things, deciding that it would just be easier to dump the boxes and leave me to unpack in my own time. I dropped onto my old bed, the mattress sinking under my weight. “So, call him or not?” Mikey asked, holding out my cell phone. I hesitated before taking it from his hand, holding it loosely in my right.  
“Call him.” I replied, watching Mikey as he left the room and tugged the door closed behind him.  
  
I pressed the digits and held the phone to my ear, almost hoping that it wouldn’t ring, that maybe he would see the unknown number and ignore it. “‘lo?” A half awake voice asked on the other end of the phone.  
“Hey, it’s Gerard. I was… uh, wondering if you wanted to maybe organise something?” I stammered, my words blurring as my nerves started rising.  
“Uh, sure. Hang on, give me a second.” Frank muttered as he moved about, the sound of bed sheets moving suggesting I woke him up. “Right, when’s good for you?” He asked, his voice more awake.  
“Uh, any time I guess. I’ve just come back from college so I haven’t really got anything to do.” I replied, uncertain as to whether I should have announced my lack of social life to him.  
“Tomorrow, eight, same bar as last night. I’ll be stood outside.” Frank said.  
“Sure, that’s good for me.” I replied, grinning.  
“This your number?”  
“Yeah, ‘tis my cell.” I replied.  
“Look, I gotta go, I got college classes this afternoon so I gotta get ready. I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked, slightly uncertain.  
“Yeah, totally. Sure… Bye.” I said excitedly as I hung up.  
  
I placed my head in my hands as my heart started pounding, my vision going blurry as tears reached the edges. I took a deep breath and wiped them away, cleaning myself up before I walked to the kitchen, ignoring Mikey’s gaze and accepting the pancakes mom gave me.


	3. ....Who now is left alone but me? [Frank]

I held a cigarette between my lips as I leant against the wall, ignoring all the stares from the girls, my eyes scanning the crowd for Gerard. My phone told me I was early, but better that than to be late, or turn up when he does.  
  
For some unknown reason, my heart was thudding against my chest, almost like I was nervous, but I couldn’t be nervous. I shouldn’t be nervous. This was just a friends thing, wasn’t it? Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe, when I saw him at the bar, I wanted more.  
  
“Shut up Frank.” I scolded, ignoring the strange looks from passers-by. “You can’t like him. You’ve only met him twice, once in a comic book store three years ago, the other was two days ago.” I sighed softly as my mind went fuzzy, someone else's memories attacking my brain.  
  
 _I leaned forwards and pressed my lips to Gerard’s, my tongue brushing his bottom lip fleetingly before I ran my hands under his shirt, playing with the lines of his muscles. He kissed me again, sucking my bottom lip into his mouth as his hands worked down my sides, brushing my bare skin, my pants growing tighter as he played with the zipper.  
_  
“Goddamnit.” I groaned as my pants became too small. I changed how I was leaning against the wall so my ‘problem’ would be less visible now than it was a few minutes ago. I saw Gerard pushing through the crowd, a look of frustration crossing his lips when as young girl grabbed his ass.  
  
“Hey. Sorry I’m late. Parking is terrible.” He smiled as he walked up, coming to a stop next to me.  
“‘Tis cool. Gave me a chance to have a cigarette before we go it.” I smiled as I motioned towards the entrance, grabbing a booth towards the back of the bar. Gerard gave me a confused look. “So we can hear each other.” I replied as I stood up and went to the bar.  
  
“Got a date?” The bartender asked, grinning as he poured two beers.  
“Shut up Max. It’s just friends for now.” I smiled, my mind running over possibilities.  
“For now ay Frankie?” He teased as he handed me the glasses. “Be careful. Remember how easy people hurt you.” I nodded as I worked my way back to the table, sliding a beer in front of Gerard, who was absentmindedly drawing on a napkin.  
  
“So…” I began, unsure of how to break the ice.  
“What did you want to hang out with me for?” Gerard asked, jumping straight into the question I was hoping to avoid.  
“Uh...That’s a difficult one to explain.” I muttered, wrapping both hands around my glass.  
“Try?” Gerard begged, his eyes wide, filled with an emotion I couldn’t place.  
“Well, when I saw you in the bathroom, I had completely forgotten about the comic book shop, but something clicked in me and I thought I’d met you before and I wanted to hang out with you to see if it was true.” I paused. “Crazy, I know.” I sighed.  
“It’s not as crazy as it sounds.” Gerard muttered, his hand reaching out to grab mine across the table. “When did you get that?” He asked, pointing to the words tattooed around the inside of my wrist.  
“I got that for graduating high school. “I’ve got an even better tattoo on my back.” I smirked, unsure why I was being so friendly. “It’s a pumpkin.”  
“That’s pretty awesome.” He chuckled as he wrapped his lips around the rim of his glass.  
  
 _I folded my arms underneath me, my face turned to the side as Gerard massaged my shoulders, his lips meeting the skin of my back occasionally. He straddled my hips, a grin crossing his lips as he lay over my back, kissing the skin between my shoulderblades, paying special attention to the ridges just below the bone. “I love you Frankie.” He whispered._  
  
“Yeah, I guess it is.” I replied as I shook the thoughts from my head. “You’ll have to check it out some time.” I said, freezing when his face froze, an emotion filling his eyes, an emotion that there was no reason for. Longing.  
“Uh, what you want to do? We can’t sit at the bar all day.” Gerard joked, grinning as he downed his beer.  
“Well, I kinda… actually, promise me you won’t laugh.” I said.  
“I promise.”  
“I go and sit on the swings at the park when I need some space, so we could go and do that?” I suggested as I finished my pint.  
“Sounds like a plan.” He grinned as he climbed to his feet and grabbed his jacket.  
  
  


* * *

I scuffed my converse through the bark chips, my ass freezing to the seat as Gerard sparked up, offering me a cigarette before slipping them back into his pocket. “I miss this.” He muttered, his cheeks red from the wind.  
“Miss what?” I asked, my head darting up to look at a bunch of kids walking through the park.  
“Being able to do this without having a care in the world. You can forget everything ya’know? It’s kind of like an escape.” He sighed and climbed to his feet. “Look, I know we haven’t been hanging out that long, but I’ve gotta go…” Gerard muttered.  
“Oh...uh, sure.” I replied reluctantly. “I guess we can catch up another time?”  
“Sure, you call me this time though.” Gerard laughed as he walked back towards his car.  
  
I stayed at the swings, thoughts that didn’t belong to me running through my mind. I could see Gerard and this other guy, I think it was a guy, making out and doing things and a part of me so desperately wanted it to be me, even though it never would be.  
  
My stomach growled as I climbed to my feet and walked home, my hands shoved deep in my pockets as the wind howled through any access to my clothing it could find.  
  
By the time I walked through the front door, my skin was covered in goosebumps, my hair standing on end as I shivered to warm myself up. My mom, Linda, stood in the kitchen door, her arms folded across her chest. “Please tell me you haven’t been drinking again.” She stated, disappointment crossing her features.  
“One beer mom, that was it.” I replied.  
“Why do you look so down then?” She asked, stepping closer to study me. “In fact, what are you crying?”  
“I’m not.” I snapped as I wiped the back of my hand across my face, sighing when it came away wet. “Okay, I am, but I don’t know why.”  
  
“Have you been having those dreams again Frank?” She asked, worry clouding her features. I shook my head gently, trying to hide the fear that was bubbling away under the surface. “Tell me what’s wrong Frank. I want to help you.”  
“I have these thoughts, memories even, running around in my mind and they aren’t even mine. It’s like someone else is taking over my mind and I have absolutely no control over it, it’s just happening.” I explained, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.  
“I thought that’d stopped.” She whispered.  
“So did I mom.” I responded. “Look, I’m tired. I just want to go to bed. Please just…. I dunno, make sure that there’s coffee in the pot before you leave for work?”  
“Sure.” My mom replied. “I love you Frankie, never forget that, okay hun?”  
“I know mom and I love you too.” I replied before walking up the stairs and locking myself in my bedroom.

* * *

My alarm screamed through my room, startling me out of the nightmare I was having, my breathing running a million miles and hour as I turned it off, my head spinning with the familiar beginnings of a cold as I staggered from my bed. “Damn it.” I groaned as my phone rang, Shane’s number appearing on the screen. “‘Lo.” I muttered as I hunted for some pain killers in the medicine cabinet.  
“Dude, you sound like fucking shit.” He laughed.  
“Thanks asshole.” I muttered as I tipped a couple of ibuprofen out of the bottle and into the palm of my hand.  
“Guess that means you’re not coming to practice today then?” Shane asked, his voice conveying concern.  
“Can’t fucking breath properly, so no.” I muttered. “Look, I’m gonna go back to bed, call you later.” I sighed before hanging up.  
  
I looked in the mirror, the silvery scar on my chest standing out, still without an explanation. There was a matching one on my back, it was just a little smaller. Almost like a gunshot wound. I laughed. I ran my thumb over the puckered skin, wincing at the temperature difference. “How?” I asked myself as I chased the pills down with a handful of cold water before staggering back to my bedroom.  
  
I groaned as I dropped onto my bed, my back protesting as I attempted to stretch before putting the remake of Dawn of the Dead into the DVD player and cocooning myself in my blankets with just my head and neck poking out the top.  
  
My phone vibrated on the dresser next to me, but I was too lazy to pick it up, instead looking at the caller ID to determine how important it was, Gerard’s number flashing up causing me to fall out of my cocoon and onto the floor, groaning in pain as my shoulder collided with the hard corner to the drawers. “‘Ello?” I asked. “I thought I was gonna call you?” I croaked.  
“I took your lighter. I was wondering when I could give it back?” He asked, his voice overly awake for two in the afternoon.  
“Keep it till next time. Not well, don’t want you to get it.” I explained, coughing into my fist as my lungs seized.  
“Aww shit, I hope you get better.” He replied. “I’ll leave you to sleep. Talk soon Frankie.” He whispered as he hung up, leaving me with the dial tone.  
  
I dropped my phone into the pocket on my pajama pants and climbed back onto my bed, re-cocooning myself and zoning out to the zombie apocalypse.


	4. You say I'm fixed... [Frank]

I woke up with a stuffy nose and a sore throat, my body coated in a sheen of sweat. My phone lay on my mattress, seven missed calls and four texts gracing the screen. I ignored all of them and untangled myself from my cocoon, shivering as the cool air hit my skin.  
  
I stumbled as I climbed to my feet and worked my way downstairs, hesitating in the kitchen doorway as my mom spoke to someone before walking in, squinting as the light streamed in through the windows. “Shane?” I asked.  
“Wow Frank, you really do look like shit.” He laughed, sipping from the mug in front of him.  
“Thanks.” I mumbled as I reached for a mug and the coffee pot, pouring myself a decent sized amount before heaping in the sugar.  
“Why you come down ill so sudden?” Shane asked, his eyes on my mom as she walked around the kitchen, probably fixing pancakes or something.  
“Ask my shitty immune system.” I replied sarcastically.  
  
“Don’t forget your doctors appointment Frank.” My mom reminded me, her head shooting up at the words immune system.  
“I thought that was the 16th…” I said as I grabbed a packet of biscuits from the cupboard.  
“It is the sixteenth.” She replied.  
“No it isn’t. It’s the fourteenth.” I stated, counting back the days. “I met Gerard on the thirteenth and came home and went to bed, then you called,” I said as I pointed to Shane. “And then I went back to bed. It’s the fourteenth.” I concluded.  
“Frank, son, you’ve been out of it for three days. You didn’t eat anything and it took us both a hell of a lot of effort to get you to drink. It’s the sixteenth, your appointment is at twelve, so you need to shower and leave for you to get there in time.” I sighed as I finished my coffee and grabbed a couple of biscuits, munching on them as I walked up the stairs and grabbed a towel from the cupboard before walking to the bathroom.  
  
The mirror steamed as I waited for the water to heat up, my thumb running over the edges of the scar. It seemed to be a habit I had picked up and I have no idea why. I sighed softly as I stepped under the steady stream of water and closed my eyes, my face raised towards the stream.  
  
 _I leant my forehead against the tiles as Gerard ran his hands down my back, his fingers brushing over my damp skin as he pressed his lips to my shoulderblade. “Ever fucked in a shower?” He asked, grinning as his teeth grazed my shoulder. I bit my bottom lip as I shook my head, water droplets spraying everywhere. “You wanna?” Gerard asked as he slid his hands round the front, cupping me with one as the other wrapped around my length. I nodded my head furiously, biting hard on my bottom lip as he pushed into me._  
  
I let out a moan as I reached down to hold myself, leaning back against the wall as I stroked myself, these memories of someone else turning me on far too much to ignore. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and bit down, trying to refrain from being too loud, so my mom and Shane didn’t know what I was doing.  
  


* * *

The cracked leather stuck to the backs of my arms, my hands knotted in my lap as I waited for Doctor Phillips to reenter the room, having left to get us both some coffee. When he returned, he handed me a polystyrene cup, steam spilling over the edge, his eyes on me as he waited for me to speak. “What do you want to know?” I asked, unsure of what developments would interest him.  
  
Doctor Phillips cleared his throat before looking at me, a serious look on his youthful face. “Frank, you’ve been seeing me for almost three years and we still haven’t sorted anything out. What are you hiding?”  
“I… It’s hard to explain.” I whispered as I stared at the swirls the steam was making in the air.  
“Try. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s going on.” Doctor Phillips smiled as he took a sip of his coffee.  
“I feel like this isn’t my life, or that I’m sharing my life with someone else. I keep getting these memories that aren’t mine, but they feel like they are and it sucks because I just want to get to the bottom of it. I want to find out why I’m not the only person in my mind and why the hell these ‘dreams’ affect me so much.” I paused and drank half of my coffee. “I mean, I have only just met the guy in these ‘dreams’, so they can’t be mine, can they?”  
“It isn’t uncommon for people to repress memories if something is too horrible for them to remember. Maybe these memories are yours but you are just blocking them out because something made you want to forget.”  
“But I would definitely remember fucking him… and I think I would remember losing my virginity.” I sighed, going red at the last half of the statement.  
  
“That’s something we haven’t spoken about Frank. Why, every time I bring up your sexuality, do you change the subject?” Doctor Phillips asked, his eyes focused on my over the brim of his mug.  
“I don’t know. It’s just a sensitive subject.” I whispered, my eyes downcast.  
“Yet you are openly gay?” He pushed.  
“I’m not openly gay, not to the whole world. Only a few people know, and even fewer know about my sex life. It’s not that I change the subject, it’s just… I don’t want to seem like a loser for wanting to wait for the right guy.”  
“You won’t seem like a loser Frank, it makes it seem like you want to be committed to a relationship before you take the next step. I’m guessing,” He paused, his eyes glinting, “that you’ve found someone you want to be in a relationship with?”  
  
I hesitated before nodding my head slightly, unsure as to why I was. “Have you told him?”  
“Now that’s where it gets complicated…” I sighed, scratching at the three day old stubble on my chin.  
“Why?”  
“I met him properly for the first time yesterday…”  
“And does that change how you feel about him?” The doctor asked, his eyes bright.  
“No, but the weirdest thing is that I feel like I’ve known him for years and that we were more than friends at one point but I don’t know why. It’s just…” I sighed and shook my head, shutting my mouth and pressing my lips into a thin line.  
  
“Have you been taking your pills?” Doctor Phillips asked, his voice sincere. I shook my head, deciding there was no point in lying. “Right Frank, I need you to admit to me whether this other person is you needing a place to escape to or whether you genuinely don’t know where these memories are coming from, in which case, we can tailor a specialist course of treatment to your needs. Maybe some rehabilitation would help.”  
“I am not going to fucking rehab.” I snapped. “These memories are not mine, but at the same time they are. I don’t know how to explain it. I mean, it feels like I’ve lived them before but I can’t have because they wouldn’t seem so strange or abnormal when I remember them, right?”  
“Frank, we can help you, you just have to let us.” Doctor Phillips whispered.  
“I’ve been trying to let you but the pills don’t keep away the memories and when I remember something big, it hurts.”  
“You don’t have to answer this Frank, but have you ever gotten uh… aroused from one of these memories?”  
  
My face went pale as I looked at him. “Uh….” I tried not to let myself show what happened in the shower this morning, but I didn’t really need to answer because my hesitation gave Doctor Phillips all the information he needed.  
“I understand you’re twenty-one soon?” He asked, his cheeks red as he sipped the coffee he still had left. I nodded. “Good, then this won’t be so bad…” He muttered as he leant forwards on his toes and placed my cup on a table out of arms reach.  
“What are you…?” I began, eating my words as Doctor Phillips crashed his lips against mine, pushing me back against the couch and stopping movement with his hands on my hips.  
  
When he pulled back, I raised my hand and slapped him, the loud noise echoing in the otherwise silent room. “Don’t you fucking dare.” I hissed as he went to apologize. “You’re meant to be helping me get better not sticking your fucking tongue down my throat.”  
“Frank, let me explain.” He begged, his eyes filling with tears as he looked at me.  
“You have five minutes.” I snapped as I folded my arms over my chest.  
“I don’t need five. Frank, I’m falling for you. I want you to forget whoever it is in these memories that you don’t remember because I want to be with you.”  
“Well guess fucking what? You are my doctor so I will not, ever, date you. I don’t want to forget who is in my memories because I want to know who the hell he is and why the hell I’m thinking about him all the time. Just… fuck off. I’m not seeing you again.” I hissed as I grabbed my jacket and left.

* * *

“Son, what’s wrong?” My mom asked as soon as the door slammed behind me.  
“I am never seeing Doctor Phillips again.” I snapped as I dropped into one of the kitchen chairs.  
“Why not? I pay good money for him.”  
“Yeah, and he fucking kissed me so I’m not going back.” I replied, observing the shocked look on her face.  
“I can find you a new doctor. I can… I can…” She trailed off, her eyes on the figure in the door. “Frank?” She whispered, her voice hoarse.  
“I’m sorry for just turning up…” A deep male voice muttered from behind me.  
“Where the fuck were you? I thought you were fucking dead. How can you turn up out of the blue unannounced like this? How?” I stood up and tried to excuse myself, my dad’s figure filling the doorframe freezing me in my steps. “Oh Frank, I fucking love you!” My mom sobbed as she threw her arms around my dad’s shoulders.  
  
I took that chance to leave, grabbing my phone from the table and sliding it into my pocket as I grabbed my keys and left through the front door, leaving my mom and dad to their reunion.


	5. ...But I still feel broken. [Gerard]

I looked up as someone walked towards me, their breathing heavy as the came to a stop, leaning against the fence. My head shot up as I observed them, unsure of who it was until they turned around.  
  
“Frank?” I asked, unsure if I had kept the longing out of my voice.  
“Yeah?” He sniffled.  
“Are you alright?” I climbed to my feet, the swing moving gently as I let go of the chains. He hesitated before he spoke, tears staining his cheeks.  
“No…”  
“What’s wrong?” I whispered as I walked slowly towards him, my arms hanging loosely by my sides even though I wanted to throw them around him.  
  
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” He mumbled. “Talking to people only fucks things up…”  
“Frank, I’m not going to hurt you or leave you, if you want to talk, then I’m here, but I have to head home, I’m a little tired. Do you wanna...um, do you wanna come with?”  
  
His head shot up as I spoke, a smile playing on the corner of his lips. “Are you sure?” He said, his eyes wide. I nodded. “Thank you Gerard.”  
“It’s cool. Now, follow me.” I laughed as I led my way away from the park.  
  
“Mom, I’m home!” I yelled, grinning as she ran down the stairs.  
“Who’s this?” My mom asked, fighting to keep the surprise from her face.  
“Uh, this is my friend, Frank.” I introduced, moving out of the way so my mom could introduce herself, looking over her shoulder at me.  
“Hi Mrs Way.” Frank muttered, his voice quiet and his eyes downcast.  
“Oh, don’t be stupid, call me Donna. Now, dinner will be in about half an hour, you wanting some?”  
“Oh, uh, if you don’t mind.” He smiled, taking me walking towards the basement door as a reason to escape.  
  
I dropped my jacket onto my bed and pulled my shoes from my feet. “Oh, here’s your lighter.” I muttered as I placed the Zippo in Frank’s hand, savouring the touch between our fingers before I pulled my hand back.  
“Thanks.” He whispered, his voice hoarse.  
“So, uh…” I began, Frank’s open mouth stopping me in my tracks.  
“Where do I know you from?” He asked. “And don’t say the comic book store or I will punch you in the fucking face. Tell me the goddamn truth.”  
“You...Frank, you wouldn’t believe me if I did.”  
“Try? My fucking shrink told me I’m making all up and my mom thinks I’m crazy but I know I’m not.” He ranted, his eyes filling with new tears. “Why the hell do I have these memories belonging to someone else because I know that I would certainly remember fucking someone as hot as you. Hell, I would remember having sex with anyone full stop.”  
  
“You think I’m hot?” I asked, stuck on the word hot, because I most certainly was not.  
“Out of everything, you are stuck on the fact I called you hot?” Frank yelled. “I tell you I have all these memories that don’t belong to me and you’re stuck on the fact I called you hot? Wow, fuck you man.”  
“Frank, wait.” I muttered as he turned to leave. “I can explain, just promise me you won’t think I’m crazy?”  
“Whatever.” He muttered as he dropped to the floor, sobs shaking his body. “I don’t care. I just… I want to get rid of them. Just help me get rid of them.”  
  
I walked slowly over to him, wrapping my arms gingerly around his shoulders. “I’ve got you.” I whispered.  
“What’s wrong with me?” He sobbed as he looked up, his hazel eyes filled with tears.  
“Nothing’s wrong with you Frankie. I promise. You’re just unique, something amazing all bundled into something small.”  
“I...uh…” Frank muttered, hiccuping as he slowed his sobs.  
  
He leant forwards slowly, his mouth inches from mine, his breath warm on my skin. After taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, his lips gingerly touching mine, his skin soft as he place a hand on my cheek. When Frank tugged back, fear filled his eyes, tears threatening to spill over.  
  
“Oh god. Please don’t hate me.” He stammered as he struggled to his feet, my hand on his wrist stopping him straightening up fully. “Wha?” He squeaked as I tugged him back down to my level, my lips meeting his as soon as they could. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, one resting on the back of his neck as I caressed the soft skin.  
  
Frank moaned softly, his tongue brushing my bottom lip as he leant into me, my skin tingling everywhere he touched.  
  
“I’m sorry.” I whispered as he pulled away, his mouth open. “I am so fucking sorry that you can’t remember Frankie, I really am.”  
“Remember what? I remember everything but my own fucking memories!” He snapped, his lips so teasingly kiss swollen, my heart thumping against my chest as I imagined what those lips could do.  
“What you meant to me, how we were, everything Frankie. I wish you could remember.” I whispered as he buried his head in the crook of my neck.  
“What were we?” He asked, his breath tickling the sensitive skin on my neck.  
  
“We were… uh… we were engaged.” I stumbled out, my heart fracturing along the recently closed wounds.  
“I can’t… I would have… Oh my god.” He whispered. “What happened? Why can’t I remember?”  
“There was… Frank, you’ll have to work that out on your own.” I muttered in agony, hurting because he was hurting.  
  
“Help me work it out. Help me understand what I meant to you.” He pleaded, his arms tightening around my waist.  
“You meant everything to me.”  
“How don’t I know that this is a lie?” He asked, his voice tense.  
“You have a scar on your chest, quite a big one. There’s a matching one on your back. They’ll probably be silver now, but I remember when they were still red raw.” I explained, running my hands through his hair.  
“Do you know how I got them? My mom said they have been there since I was born.”  
  
“They weren’t Frankie.” I paused, unsure of how much I should tell him. “I was there when you got them and it broke my heart because it was the last time you remembered me. Everything that happened afterwards happened because I wanted to keep you alive. That’s why you can’t remember.”  
“Please tell me?” He begged.  
“Let me show you.” I whispered as I climbed to my feet and tugged him to my bed.  
  
When Frank was laying down, his arms above his head, I rolled his shirt up, exposing his chest, my thumb brushing the scar. “You got this protecting me.” I whispered as I leant forwards, my lips brushing the puckered skin at the edge of it. “Someone was hurting me and you got in the way. You took the bullet and uh… when you left the hospital, you couldn’t remember me, so I pretended not to know you. It was the only way it didn’t hurt as much.”  
“How did you cope?” He whispered.  
“I didn’t.” I paused as I brushed my lips over the scar again, wanting to touch him, to know he was real. “It fucking broke me.”  
  
“Then be mine again.” Frank muttered. “Date me again.”  
“I can’t.” I whispered. “I’m sorry Frank.”  
“Why Gerard? It might help me remember who I actually am. Do you have any idea how much it sucks not having control over what you remember?” Frank snapped as he tugged his shirt down and wriggled out from underneath me. “Do you have any fucking idea how much it hurts?”  
“Frank, I’m sorry, but I can’t risk losing you again. When you forgot me, I was going to shoot myself. I had the fucking gun in my mouth and Mikey stopped me. I lost my world when you forgot and I can’t just take you back like that. I need time to heal.” I whispered, tears lingering on the edges of my eyes.  
“Because I fucking… argh… goddamnit…” Frank practically yelled, his head in his hands. “I have this memory of us fucking and I want to know if it was true because goddamnit I felt good after I remembered that. I just… I didn’t know if it was true.”  
“It...we…” I bowed my head. “Yeah, we did.”  
  
Frank closed the gap between us and pushed me back so I was laying down. “I may not remember what happened, but I know every inch of your body like the back of my hand. I know what turns you on and I know how to make you moan. I may not be able to remember who the fuck you are, but I know that you mean more to me than everyone, just… let me prove it to you?” He begged as he leant forwards and pressed his lips to mine, his hands resting on my chest, his hips pressing into mine as he forced me to stay on the bed. “Please?” He begged, his hazel eyes wide as he looked up at me.  
  
I hesitated before climbing to my feet and locking my bedroom door. Frank looked at me, confusion etched on his face, as I pinned him to the bed, my lips grazing the neck of his skin. “Do it.” I growled, moaning softly when he flipped us and pinned me to the bed.  
“Thank you.” He whispered, sliding his hands inside my pants and cupping me gently. I arched my back, pushing myself into his touch as his lips found mine.  
  
Frank worked his lips down my jaw, nipping gently at the skin on my neck before he dropped onto his knees between my thighs, tugging down my pants, completely ignoring the button. “So hard.” He groaned as he freed me from my boxers, licking his lips seductively before he leant forwards and took me in his mouth.  
  
I moaned, pushing against his restraining hands, sucking in a deep breath as he worked magic with his tongue, humming gently, the vibrations making my stomach squirm. “God Frankie!” I gasped as his tongue teased the tip, licking away the pre-cum before he took me in his mouth again, one hand wrapped around the shaft, the other cupping my balls, gently squeezing. “Oh fuck!” I cried as I came, filling Frank’s mouth.  
  
Frank slid up my body and kissed me. I tasted myself on his tongue, but I didn’t care. He had just given me one of the best orgasms in the world and nothing I gave myself would ever compare. “Do you believe me?” He asked. I nodded slowly, my head still reeling from the blow job. “I’m sorry I can’t remember what we were.” He whispered as he climbed to his feet  
“Don’t apologise.”


	6. When I was younger, I never thought that... [Gerard]

My head reeled as I opened my eyes, an all too familiar weight pressing down on my chest. Frank’s hair tickled my nose as I inhaled, his cool fingers tucked under the waistband of my boxers.  
  
My phone screen lit up my room, my mom’s number on the screen. “‘ello?” I mumbled quietly, trying to keep Frank asleep.  
“You’re dinner is in the microwave. Mikey came down to tell you dinner was done and you two we’re asleep.”  
“Thanks mom.” I yawned.  
“Be careful Gerard. He isn’t the same anymore.”  
“I know.” I sighed before hanging up the phone and wrapping my arms around Frank’s chest again, tugging him closer than he was before.  
  
He muttered words against my neck, none of them able to be understood, his muscles tensing as his eyes snapped open. “Shit.” He breathed, his breath hot on my skin. “Where the fuck am I?”  
“It’s okay Frankie. You’re safe.” I whispered as he sat up, his eyes roaming my torso.  
“What the fuck happened?” Frank asked, his hand going down to his bare chest. “We didn’t…?” He began.  
“No. I would never have let it get that far.” I explained.  
“What happened then?” He begged.  
“You, uh…” I said, gesturing to my groin, his cheeks burning red as he worked out what I meant.  
“Oh god, I am so sorry Gerard.” He stammered.  
“Don’t apologise Frank, you told me to let you prove how you felt, so I did.” I shrugged my shoulders as I sat up, Frank collapsing against my chest.  
  
“I just… It feels so wrong. I can’t remember what I meant to you or what you meant to me but I remember this. Ya Know? I remember what it was like to be in bed with you and to sleep with you and to wake up in your arms.” Frank explained, his voice filled with emotions. “I can tell that you care about me, but I can’t remember why. Heck, my mom can’t even explain to me why there isn’t any baby photos of me. Why is my life starting when I’m eighteen? There isn’t anything to say I lived before then and it sucks.”  
“Frank, I know you did. I was there with you for eleven months of it. Fuck man, you gave me the best eleven months of my life and then I got them taken away from me.”  
“I can remember you though.” Frank whispered. “I just… it doesn’t feel like me.”  
  
“I want to take you somewhere.” I suggested. “It might help you remember who you are.”  
“Where is it?” Frank muttered, his lips brushing the skin just below my nipple.  
“Don’t freak out on me, but it’s the graveyard.” I explained, bracing myself for a freak out.  
“Okay, fine, when do we go?”  
“Whenever you feel ready.” I smiled as I leant down and brushed my lips against his.  
  


* * *

I held Frank’s hand as we walked through the headstones, confusion etched in my brow when he started leading me in a different direction.  
  
We stopped just short of Alex’s headstone, Frank’s hand tightening around my own as he looked at the words etched in the stone. “What did he do to me?”  
“What do you mean Frankie?” I asked as he knelt down, tugging me with him.  
“Why does he keep appearing in my dreams and telling me he’s sorry and that I have to learn to love you again?”  
“He killed your family Frank. He was acting as a guardian angel and he bought us two together. It was him that took your memories to keep you safe.” I explained as he leant against my chest.  
“I want to learn again Gerard. I want to remember everything.” Frank whispered, his heart thudding against my hand. “I want to remember everything and I don’t care if it destroys me because I love you.”  
  
I sighed, biting my tongue so I didn’t say it back, my heart breaking as I remembered that what I was doing was for the best. “You mean the world to me Frankie, never forget that.” I muttered, my lips brushing his ear.  
“Does that mean you don’t love me?” He whimpered.  
“I… At some point, I’ll be able to say it to you again, but now? I’m not sure…” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t apologise Gerard, I hurt you. I understand.” Frank sighed, shifting slightly so he could wrap his arms around me.

* * *

“What’s this?” Frank asked as he picked up a piece of paper that fluttered from my comic book.  
“Uh… leave that…” I stammered, unable to make it in time to grab the piece of paper before he opened it, his eyes widening at the words inside. “Frankie…”  
  
“‘Dear Mikey, I’m sorry. I know you keep telling me to fight and to stay strong but I can’t. Since Frank left, I haven’t been myself. I’m plagued with nightmares and I can’t sleep. Everything you do to make me smile, it doesn’t work Mikes.  
  
“‘Frank meant the world to me, and he still does but he is just out of reach, a place I can’t reach. I stayed alive because of him. I fought my addictions because of him and now he’s gone and my life doesn’t have a point anymore.  
  
“‘I’m not saying you’ve been a shit brother, because you haven’t. You have been the best little brother anyone can ask for, but life just isn’t for me. I’m sorry Mikey. I am so sorry.  
  
“‘I need you to keep fighting for me, to stay strong because I know you can. You are probably going to be the one to find me, so I’m sorry. I never wanted you to see me with my brains painting the walls behind me, a final, gruesome goodbye.  
  
“‘If I had my way, no-one would find me. I would just vanish, disappear off the face of the earth. But it can’t happen.  
  
“‘So remember this. When you look at me, my face disfigured by the bullet, that I loved you. I never meant to hurt you, but I couldn’t keep going anymore.  
  
“‘I love you Mikey. I always will.’ What the fuck Gerard? I really meant that much to you that you were going to shoot yourself?” Frank yelled. “You were going to kill yourself knowing full well that your little brother could find you all because I couldn’t remember you?”  
“Frank… please let me explain…” I started, reaching for my sketchbook, turning to the last page I filled in that year, the words scribbled across the page. “I never thought you would remember me, but I still had to write it down. I still had to show you how much you meant to me. So I did this. This sketchbook is you. Every page is filled with you, drawings of you, things you like, things you wanted to see and all because I could never lose you. This sketchbook is our life together, your life before you met me, and your life after you forgot me. The words on this last page is everything that I ever wanted to say to you because I knew I would never get the chance if you didn’t remember me.”  
“Gerard…” Frank said as he reached for the book, my fingers unable to let go. “Read it to me.” He suggested as he dropped to the floor, his eyes brimming with tears.  
  
“Frank, when you get this book, I’ll be long gone. Whether that be physically across the globe, or mentally because you can’t remember me. I know that you will never remember all those times we shared, so you have this. A book with everything we enjoyed together, everything you told me about before we met and everything you said you wanted to do.  
  
“I know that you forgot me for a reason, but it hurts, it really does. If you could remember me, even for a second, so I could explain to you why I let it happen, then I would take that, even if it was a goodbye.  
  
“I’m sorry that I got you shot. I never meant for it to happen, but it means you can have a better life. Being unable to remember me means you will be able to live the best life you can. You won’t have to remember everything that happened or how I ruined your life.  
  
“You will probably ask what happened that you need to forget, but there is too much to recount. All you need to know is that I love you and that everything that happened, happened for a reason.” I paused and took a shaky breath, angrily wiping away the tears streaming down my face. “I gave up everything for you and I will continue to, long after you’ve forgotten how much you meant to me.  
  
“You may not know it, but you saved me Frankie. When we first bumped into each other in that furniture store, I knew we were meant for each other. When I held you close as the life bled from you, I knew I would follow close behind. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live without you so I planned to take my own life.  
  
“I planned to join you, or at least the you that I had, into the afterlife where we could be together again because that’s what soulmates do, right? They follow each other to the other side and hold each other close when they know there isn’t any hope.  
  
“Frankie, when you read this, it will be too late to save me, but you can still save yourself and that is all that matters. All you have to do is stay positive and keep fighting because there are people out there that love you and will do anything to be with you.  
  
“When you get lonely, or feel like no-one loves you, remember that I did. That I loved you until I couldn’t love anymore.  
  
“I will always love you Frankie.” I closed the book and tossed it on my bed, wiping away the tears marring my cheeks.  
  
“Shit, Gerard, please, god please tell me that it wasn’t me that made you...shit it was wasn’t it? You were going to kill yourself because of me. Oh god, no, I can’t… fuck, no please no.” Frank wrapped his arms around his knees and began rocking backwards and forwards, tears streaming down his cheeks.  
“Frank.” I whispered as I stepped closer to him, my arms held up in surrender. “Frank, I’m okay, I’m alive. I’m alright.” I muttered, consoling him as I pulled him onto my lap.  
“I fucking… you nearly… oh fuck...it would have been my fault if you did…. Why? How the hell could someone love me that much? Fuck Gerard….. I’m not…. I’ll never be… I’ve never been worth it.” Frank sobbed, his head buried in my chest.  
  
“You will always be worth it Frank because you saved me. You stopped me from killing myself before. You made me keep fighting by falling in love with me and I swore to myself that I would keep going, but when I lost you? I lost it. I broke my promise. I drank myself stupid. I lost everyone that I cared about because I was rarely sober enough to tell them what was wrong. I nearly didn’t survive college because I wanted to die.” I paused. “But I didn’t because I knew that I was fighting for the chance to see you again. To make you fall in love with me again. Even if it didn’t, I would have done anything to be your friend, even though that would have torn me apart because guess what Frankie? I fucking love you and I know I said I wouldn’t say it yet, but it’s true. I never stopped loving you. I never did and I never will so just remember that okay? Remember that I love you and I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”


	7. ...When I was older, I'd see you give up [Frank]

I looked up at Gerard as he wiped the tears from under his eyes, sniffling as I reached for the sketchbook. “Please don’t.” He stuttered as he tried to tug it from my grasp.  
“Why not Gerard?” I whispered, keeping the cover closed.  
“Because I love you and I don’t want you to see what’s in there.” Gerard muttered as he took it from my grasp, his hands shaking as he gently placed it in his desk drawer.  
“I love you too you know?” I asked him, reaching out to steady his hands.  
  
Gerard nodded before leaning down to press his lips to mine, his teeth grazing my bottom lip as he melted into my arms. I tugged him closer until our knees were pressed against each other before I pushed him backwards, breaking the kiss as he fell onto the bed.  
  
“Can we?” I asked him, chewing on my bottom lip as I waited for a reply. Gerard shook his head, looking at me apologetically as he did. “Don’t feel bad Gerard.”  
“I do though. You want to prove you love me and I’m not letting you.” Gerard explained. “It’s not even as if I don’t want it, because I do, just not yet.”  
“Well then we wait until you’re ready, its that simple.” I smiled as I leant down to kiss him again.  
“Thank you.”

* * *

 

I stood outside the front door, my hand on the handle as I prepared myself to walk in, unsure of what was going on between my mom and my dad. There was no shouting, so I could only guess that things were going well, which was good for me because it meant it wouldn’t be awkward when I walked through the door.  
  
“Frank, honey, is that you?” My mom called from the kitchen, her voice shaking.  
“Yeah.” I shouted back as I slipped my shoes off and added them to the pile.  
“Can you come into the kitchen please?” She asked.  
“Yeah.” I yelled as I dropped my keys into the bowl and hung my jacket on the peg.  
  
“What’s up?” I asked as I slid into the seat opposite her.  
“Well, you know that man who walked in earlier?” I nodded, motioning for her to continue. “Well, he’s my husband and uh… he thinks it’s time we tell you the truth about who you really are.”  
“I already know mom. I’m Franklin Anthony Iero, I am twenty one and I have a couple of tattoos. I keep getting these memories that I can’t place as my own and I am falling in love with a guy I have known for the space of seven days.”  
“That’s not what I mean Frankie. I mean about why you keep getting these memories and things. You know, the ones we made you see a doctor for.”  
“Oh, I know mom, I know where they come from because I’ve found someone to explain to me what they are and heck, they even told me where the scars came from.” I explained as I reached for a mug of coffee. “Been there since I was born? You’re not even my mother.” I spat.  
  
“Frank, let me explain…” She pleaded, her eyes wide as she took in my words.  
“Go right ahead, prove me wrong. Prove to me that you haven’t lied to me for the last three years.”  
“I… Frank, what I.. we, did was for the best. We kept the truth from you because we thought it would help you in the long run. We didn’t think he would ever come back.”  
“So you thought you could still hide who I really was?” I asked, attempting to keep my cool.  
“Yes.” My mom sighed. “When we picked you up from the hospital, you were a scared 18 year old who had just lost everything in the space of a day. You had nearly died and when you woke up from the coma, you couldn’t remember anything but your name. We tried to remind you of your past but you wouldn’t let us. Any time we brought up what happened, you started freaking out so we decided it was better to formulate a life that you could be happy living. You could be happy living without the fear that they would come after you again.”  
“That who would come after me? The people who wanted Gerard dead or the people who killed my real family?” I practically yelled, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. “I just want to know the truth. I want to know who the hell I actually am and why I am like I am. How hard is that to understand?”  
  
“Do you remember when you woke up in the hospital?” My mom asked, her hand reaching out across the table to me. I nodded slowly, chewing the inside of my lip.  
  
 _My eyes fluttered open, bright white lights clouding my vision, a tight pressure on my chest. I tried to sit up but strong hands pushed me down, forcing me to lay down as needles were removed from my skin. “Can you hear me?” A female voice asked, her hands on my shoulders._  
  
 _I nodded my head, wincing at the pain that shot through my body. “What’s your name hun? Can you tell me your name?”_  
 _“Frank.” I groaned as I tried to sit up again, this time the restraining hands more gentle on my skin._  
 _“Stay laying down honey. We need to run some tests before you can move.” The nurse said. “Can you tell me why you’re here?” I hesitated before shaking my head, gritting my teeth against the pain. “Can you remember anything?”_  
 _“No… What happened? Why am I here?” I asked, panic rising in my voice._  
  
“You remember how scared you were because you couldn’t remember anything?”  
“What are you getting at?” I asked.  
“We had to give you a life, something you could remember without hurting you. So yes, we lied to you, but it was for a reason. We lied to you to save you.” My mom paused and reached for a file underneath the counter. “This is everything we were given about the people you used to know. I got told that giving it to you would only make you more suicidal than you already were at the point, and I couldn’t have that, so I hid it. I span a whole new life for you that you could believe and it worked until he came back to town.”  
  
“It doesn’t matter mom. I know what me and Gerard were. We were engaged and he had to live with the fact I couldn’t remember him! Don’t you think that tore him apart.” I pushed my chair back and climbed to my feet. “Fuck mom, he nearly killed himself because he lost me. How would you have felt then?”  
“I...I tried to tell him you were okay.” She stammered.  
“You knew?” I screamed. “You knew how bad he was but you still never let me see him? What else did you tell him? Huh? Yet more lies?”  
“I...we...you’re dad told him you had died. That you hadn’t survived. He went crazy… He tried to kill himself and his brother found him and stopped him but…”  
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled as I leant against the wall. “Just shut up!”  
  
“Frankie.” My mom soothed, her hands reaching for my shoulders.  
“Get off me! I still love him goddamnit! I may not be able to remember everything but I remember loving him. How could you take that away? How could you hope that it ends? How mom? Tell me that?”  
“I thought that if you forgot who he was, you’d be happy living with me and you father, as a family. I thought that you would forget these memories and dreams and we could live in peace. I thought that you would be the son that we always dreamed of. Fuck, you even look like he would.” She trailed off, her eyes on the windows.  
“Look like who would? What the hell are you on about?” I asked, still resting on the wall.  
  
“My son. He was adopted. I was too young to have a child and Frank made me give him up. I never got to meet the people who took him, just that they were nice people. I knew they couldn’t have kids so I didn’t mind.”  
“How long ago? How long ago did you give him up?”  
“It was…I can’t remember…” She sobbed.  
“Well, have fun trying to mould me into the person you wanted that child to be when I’m not here. I can’t do this shit anymore. I can’t do the whole ‘there are no baby photos because there was a fire’ or ‘well, those scars have been there since you were a baby’ bullshit anymore. I just want to be accepted for who I am, memories or not.” I shouted before running up the stairs to my room and slamming the door, my shoulders shaking as I fought back the sobs.  
  
 **To: Gerard**  
 **From: Frank**  
 **Message: I need you… Its all gone bad I need you now.**  
  
 **To: Frank**  
 **From: Gerard**  
 **Message: What’s wrong?**  
  
 **To: Gerard:**  
 **From: Frank**  
 **Message: I can’t… oh god I’m scared… please, I don’t wanna die…**  
  
 **To: Frank**  
 **From: Gerard**  
 **Message: Where are you, I’m coming now.**  
  
 **To: Gerard**  
 **From: Frank**  
 **Message: Meet me at the park.**  
  
I stumbled from my room and grabbed a jacket and my keys before leaving the house, running the back of my hand under my eyes.  
  
Gerard was stood by the swings when I got there, his breath leaving him in as rush of air as I threw myself at him. “I’m sorry.” I sobbed as he wrapped his arms around me. “I am so goddamn sorry.”  
“Why? What’s wrong Frankie?” Gerard asked as he ran his fingers through my hair.  
“I’m sorry I can’t remember and I’m sorry my dad told you I was dead and I’m sorry I forgot and I’m sorry you love a failure like me and I’m sorry that I can’t be with you how you want and I’m sorry I’m a fuck up and I’m sorry that I want to die.” I took in a shaky breath, tears falling from my eyes as I wrapped my arms tighter around Gerard’s waist.  
“It doesn’t matter that you can’t remember Frank. We can start from the beginning. We can start all over again. I don’t care how long it takes just because I love you. Look at me Frankie. You don’t want to die. You want to escape. You want to find a way out of the situation you are in and the only way you think you can do that is by dying but that isn’t the truth.” He took a deep breath and pressed his lips to my forehead. “Come back to mine and I can help you forget, even just for an hour. I can make you forget.”


End file.
